ROLLERCOASTER.

ultimate high of the week was when my aunt came back from italy with a black furla wallet.
its three hundred bucks by the way.

ultimate downside of the week.
i lost it.
along with my ic.
and my ez link card.
and my atm card.
and my special pictures.

i'm just praying that someone can find it and return it to me.
i'm praying to st anthony right now.



you've changed so much that i dont know who you are anymore.
until we dont know who you are anymore.
so dont blame us if we look past you and not see you.

high of the day.

I PASSED MY FTQ!
yes yes.
sebestian and i were studying like mad for it.
and he was so stressed that i was so scared riding his bike.

but,
its all good now!

next month,
upgrade tests!
and i'm so not ready for it.


relationships.
it isn't such a good thing at all.
just when i thought everything was going fine.
i suddenly want my freedom.
to do what i like, when i like.
and i dont have to answer for it.
i dont know.
just suddenly.


okay.
checklist for sentosa.

• food. meaning sausages.
• money, meaning my atm card.
• pretty clothes!
• bikini, i have to look for it.

and i dont know what else.
oh!
bring joy along cause i get to spend it with my girls!
okay.
amanda, audrey, lexine,
HERE WE GO!

anything for you?
anything for you.
thats for sure.
almost a year.
and i'm still keepng to my promise.

i havent slept the whole night.
so please forgive the nonsense i'm spewing out.



i dont know what i'm going to do now.
a small problem seems to be turning into a huge one.
and i dont know if i should face it head on or run away and pray that everything is going to be fine like i always do.


god.
you dont know what i'm missing.
if you're sane.
please.
give me what i need to pass through all this.



a promise is a promise.
and i'm not going to break it.
not now, not ever.
NOT.GOING.TO.HAPPEN.
cause you mean the world to me.
and i thought you should know that.
even though its been ages since i've talked to you.
i just need this.



and there is nothing in the world that can ever replace you.

Rules of the game
Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

1) I hate it when people put food on my plate as if they know its exactly what i want to eat.
2) I always pee in the toilet before i bathe. Not pee while i bathe.
3) I have an ingrown toenail in my left big toe.
4) I used to get caned when i bite my fingernails.
5) I love to tell myself that i'm healthy looking, not fat.
6) I my way of keeping myself happy is to stick my chin up in the sky.
7) I talk to myself.
8) Even though i believe in ghosts, i pretend not to.
9) I am a sucker for guys with nice smiles and nice asses.
10) I like looking at beautiful girls as well.

I tag whoever.

i'm emotionally drained.

and i'm not the kind who'd take back what i say.

its been two weeks and counting.
we'll see how it goes.

and by the way.
condemn me if you want.
i dont care much about it anyway.


if i die before i wake.
i pray the Lord my soul to take.
and if i get to be an angel.
i want to watch over you.
so that i'll be by your side with every step you take.
and i want to be the one to protect you.



hello varien.
and pet.
you've been missed.

I AM SICK OF THIS.

its not that i dont want to be a friend and help you.
but maybe its time you take responsibility for your own actions.
and not calling people at one in the bloody morning to cover you ass.
people need sleep and people have to work and people have responsibilities.

you say that your parents dont trust you.
but you betrayed it in the first place.
telling them that you had work when you are out.
or not telling them at all.
ever put yourself in their shoes?
you've betrayed their trust and now you expect them to just trust you as though nothing has happened?
you have to earn it.
just like everything else.

i want to be honest thats why i'm saying all this.
and i'm not being honest to your face because i dont want to hear it.
if i'm right or not.
i dont care.
think what you want to think.
say what you want to say.
i'm trying to knock some sense to you that why i'm saying this.

i know you miss her and you want to spend time with her.
but get your priorities right.

i'm sick of this.

thats why i'm so over it.
i'm not going to do this anymore.

fadhly says.
put down your ego and message him.

i dont know if i should.

i know i'm at fault for not forgiving

so?

i dont know how this is going to end.

and by the way.

its not a post.

the friends thingy.

ITS A FREAKING ARTICLE.

in a magazine.
and it has pictures actually.
and i do get paid.
but all proceeds goes to the cancer society.
i think you all should know why.

its been long.
since i had 4 hours of sleep and waking up to puffy eyes.
no.
i wasn't crying cause i miss my girls.
i was crying cause my stupid *&^$%^&*^%$#@ boyfriend made me cry.

thanks for remind me of him.
like i totally needed that.
but thanks for greys anatomy to make me feel a little better.
although i woke up seriously bitter.

is it so difficult to get happiness?
it like, you can feel it.
its within your grasp.
touching your fingertips.
and then it just slips away.
just like that.


so i guess you arent the person you thought you are.
not as well received as you like to think you are.
just know that people think you're ugly.
inside out.

i cried on the way back today.
why?
cause i miss my girls.
and i didn't know that i missed them so much.
THURSDAY.
avocado juice.
and egg sandwhiches.
yum yum!
and the company.

drey and i always have hushed conversations.



grey's anatomy, here i come.

AMEN!
praise the sweet lord!

I DONT NEED TO DIE IN SENTOSA ANYMORE!

i love my job.

ooooh.
i met my dunfu for breakfast and he was on time!

a first!
and i'm proud of him!
like totally proud.

okay.
breakfast made my day.

irritated?
yes.
pissed way off my rocker.
check.
what pissed me off?
my mother.
what she did to inccur my wrath?
i have no bloody idea.

music being my only salvation.
and how a song can totally change a peron's mood.
so now.
its time for an article have has been way over due.

FRIENDS

In this lifetime, friends seem to be the most important thing in life. Especially mine. Honestly speaking, without the support I had, I think my very existence would have been gone by now.

So lets go through the list of friends over the years.

Kindergarten didn’t let me remember much, the fact that I was already horny and made out with a guy in the unisex toilet pretending to be power rangers. Silly? Yeah, I know. I also remembered this girl I always sat next to, her name was Siti or something. We had Chinese class together even though she was Malay. And I remembered that she liked to dig her nose and eat her snot. After my mum found out, she didn’t let me anywhere near her.

Time passed so fast that I suddenly found myself in primary school. That’s where I met the gang of four. Vanessa Wong, Natasha, Sheryl and myself. The irony being that both Vanessas were best friends and hated each other at the same time. We went to school with each other everyday for six years. You would automatically think that we would be friends for life. But I guess not. We would go to school together and go back to school together. I loved the trips back from school. We would play pretend and come up with all sorts of stories or we would pretend to be some girl band and sing at the top of our lungs. The best thing is, our houses are barely less than a 5 min walk away.

Primary school also came a time where I found my best friends. One by the name of Vanessa whom I didn’t like at the same time, and Samantha, who became my best friend at the later part of primary school. What happened to them? Well, I have no idea where Vanessa went, but Samantha and I still keep in contact and she is happy by the way. With the man of her dreams.

Suddenly secondary school came about. Its when culture shock took months to set in and you can’t seem to find any real friends. And secondary school came the time where I finally went to church. I know that I was late even though I was born catholic. So church was one place where I had to start making my friends all over again. And thank god that I had my cousin Jessamine to help me through it. Her friends quickly became mine. Especially Shabin. He being the one guy that has stuck with me through all these years. With every problem I had fitting in during the days of secondary school, he knew about it and helped me lift my chin up and made me feel so much better about it. But I know I’m digressing, so back to school I go.

So I had two close friends when it came to early secondary school. In Sec One, Amy and Amanda Ong were the people I constantly sat with during recess and the people I would always go home with, that was until some backstabbing came into the picture and I was out of that particular picture. That’s where Jasper came in, and Evangeline came in when we both went to Sec Three. It was because of the two of them that I actually went to school. And to take my O levels of course.

Besides school, I had my own share of friendship drama in church as well. In the beginning, everyone thought Shabin and I were together because it seems to them that a friendship between a male and female can never remain platonic. Well please let me clear the air. It was completely platonic from the very beginning. Church has let me to a whole new world. I always thought that Priscilla would be there, but I was so wrong. I thought that Amanda and Audrey and myself will never click, but I was wrong yet again. I thought that making friends with boy two years my junior would make me childish but it made me happy. I thought that once I break up with someone, the friendship is over, but he turned out to be the person who knows me better than I know myself. I thought enemies can never become friends. But now she’s like a sister to me, right Lexine?

Just when I thought that I’ve found friends that can last me a lifetime, I enrolled into RP and I found another friend who never fails to forget although he is always late when I meet him to go to school. Everyone, meet Dunfu.

Work has found me enemies and family as well. Those who were willing to catch my tears and were willing to endure my demands.

Which is why I believe, in every road you take, in every path you choose, you’ll always find new friends and family who would stand by you and defend you in every step of the way. Even though doubts may set in. Even though there are times where we might forget about each other. Friends remain as friends and they never stop being there for each other. Like how I’ll never stop being there for each and everyone of you.

So this is a tribute.

To friends who have been there for twelve years (Sheryl and Samantha.). For friends who have been there for six years (Jasper and Shabin). For friends who I have loved so much but have left the living ( Petina). For drink drivers (Claire). For the joys in church (Lexine, Amanda, Audrey, Jared and Sean). For family I’ve found at work ( Jolynn, Syaz, Nabilah, Faezah, Hafiz, Saiful, Fadhly and Jeremy).

Thank you for the love.

I would never have become the person I’ve become without you.

so i didn't go to school.
again.
sue me.

sentosa next wednesday with the girls!
time to lose all those fats!

i think biochemistry is going to help me plenty loads with this.
yes yes.

and i just fell in love with chocolate coated digestive biscuits.

my eyes hurt like mad.
i think its cause they're dry thats why.

and i need to sleep.

jealous?

no.

HAPPY TWO MONTHS BABY!

i was late for school today.
but at least i was in school right?
i know dunfu is proud of me.

you keep coming back and i dont know why.


i've got work later and i forgot to bring so many stuff.
my apron.
and rubberband.
so i guess i'll start at seven after all.
i have to go home and take them.




fuck.
i got no mood to blog.

so i'm back at the beginning.

it isnt the place i'd thought it would have been.

so.

i've two people telling me the past two days that i've become fatter.
so thats not a good thing.

STARVATION PEOPLE!

just so you know.

dunfu seems to be blogging here as well.
and i'm happy for his A.
like finally.
i got my A first!
loser!

HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK!
I GOT MY ROXY BAG!
MY BABY GOT IT FOR ME.


hopefully i get to meet my bestfriend after so long.


okay.
its SENTOSA next week.
and no i'm not going there to enjoy myself.
i'm just going there to get cooked at coffeebean.
but the upside?
i get to go for mass with my girls on sunday!
how i miss them so!

i got my 1st A!!! my very 1st A!!!
guess what, it was psychology module. the facilitator that i think she do not like me at first.
my first A...

I want to scream until no sound comes out and you learned your lesson
I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep
So I dont have to make a bad impression
I need to start to be myself
'cause I'm sick of everybody else
I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now
I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man
I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done
But I guess you were better off without me
I need to start to be myself
Because I'm sick of everybody else
I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate 

i rock in anatomy by the way.
cause i got many A's cause of it.

FOOSHBALL SUCKS.
foosball rocks.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME PLAYING FOOSHBALL? TODAY U HAVE ANATOMY. HAVE FUN WITH NERVOUS SYSTEM. I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION IN ANATOMY LESSON.

mr boyfriend is sick.
fever of 40 degrees.
so i think its brain is fried.
whatever little part of it.

take care then!



7 days until pirates come out!

I SKIP CLASS TODAY. I WAS PREPARED FOR TODAY'S LESSON. BUT STILL, I DID NOT GO.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DONG FRIEND CALLED NICK!

anyway.
i feel like such a bad catholic that i actually forgot about today.
its a day of obligation so i have to go to the internet to check what time masses are at churches near my place.
hopefully the cathedral.
and until now i can't seem to find the timings.


eye candy in class!
eye candy in group!
today is a good day.


okay.
maybe today is not a good day cause anatomy is difficult.
and creepy girl is in the same group.


so i hope i can go for mass at st anthony's.
and my godpa can send me home.
and i can go to sleep and be home in time.


its so cold here.
that i need someone hot to hug me.
note; BEN.


and lets just give me a pause in blogging.

bye.

livejournal is happily tucked away and hidden.

i dont know how i'm living my life to the point that i forgot my bestfriend's birthday and mothers day.
even though i did spend mother's day with my mummy having seafood for dinner.
it was really really yummy.
you should try mussel guys at vivo one day.
or maybe its becuase my lack of seafood and it taste good to me cause i'm so deprived of it.


i'm in desperate need of a bag.
i swear.
and the bag i saw with syaz.
$73!
would anyone want to sponsor?
i dont want to ask my gay boy cause i feel bad.
but of the other people.
i dont care la.
just buy me that bag.

i dont understand why i still can't find the time to do my hair?
i have no school on wednesdays.
and yet why is it so difficult for me to go to a salon?
but i still dont know how to do my hair though.
my bangs arent turning out right.
i'm not going to cut my hair cause i want to perm it.
so what the heck can i do?
change the colour?
thats it?
then might as well dont go right?
right.

i was watching princess diaries 2 last night.
and i cried and cried watching it.
i dont know why.
maybe its because my period is coming.


and i'm trying to shit as well.


so my boobs hurt.
i'm all emotional.
the ultimate signs that period is coming.
yeah.
not a good sign.
bope.
not at all.

so now my baby is suggesting to go to town to search for cheap and wonderful bags.
but town doesnt have anything cheap and wonderful!
they have wonderful and EXPENSIVE bags.
and then i wonder if he's going to get it for me or not.

he's so sweet.
like a fairytale i've always wanted but never had.
but somehow its not enough.
like something's missing.

i wanna marry tyra banks.
okay.
maybe not.
its my life long dream to marry justin timberlake or orlando bloom.
maybe i have a thing for gay looking guys.

i have a craving to watch some gay shows.
they really love each other.
dont you think?
queer as folk as my number one list!
and then prom queen comes next alright?



and i have cravings for chicken wings as well.
to have myself stuff my face with them.
this is what periods have done to you.

dunfu was so in pain last night cause everytime i had cramps, i pinched him so hard that he shouted in the lecture theater.
so go figure.


guess what.
i'm going to be a blogger on STOMP.
and get a paycheque bigger than all my pockets combined.
yeah right.


so lets watch myself some tv.
and fold some clothes.

peace out.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR!
and its not spider-man by the way.
too boring for my taste.
i'll have my dose of orlando bloom.
someone i'll never get enough of.
the hotness.


and so i'm totally going to fail my test.
i'm serious.
everyone seems to be so engrossed in it but i've finished it in like.
15 mins.
oh.
thats because i didnt study.

and i have no idea what was in the test.
too many words and too many picutres that i dont understand either.
i think the headache is getting to me.
i think i'm going to die so soon that its not even funny.
is it from the lack of sleep?
i guess. maybe.
who knows.

i've been feeling tired these few days.
i dont know what kind of tired it is.
emotionally?
mentally?
or physically.
or maybe its all three combined into one.


she's an alter ego.
through and through.
created to help me get my mind off you.
to tell me that eveything will be alright.
so that i dont have to cry myself to sleep every night.
she soothes me and tell me i'm okay.
and i know that cause of her.
those horrible thoughts of you would all go away.


i'm not sure if i'm totally feeling alright at this moment.
i'm just really tired.
i want to sleep.

emotional blacklash.
here i come.



its not a way or a movement.
its simply a cause of action.

its been damn long since someone pissed me off this bad.

i'm having a headache now.
that its not even funny.



I'M SO SORRY.
BUT I KNOW ITS BELATED.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY BESTFRIEND!
HAPPY 21!

i hate microbio

great.
just great.
i cut my finger with my own nails after opening many many many milk cartons.
because i dont know why.
my nails were too long anyway.


i've been seeing hafiz for many days in a row.
woah.
like five days in a row.

okay people.
answer this.

if i were to die.
what would be the one thing you'd miss most about me?

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me

so in i life where i dont know what is going on.
i'm lost pretty much half the time.
i'm too far gone half the time to remain sober and grasp life's concepts.

you might think i'm judging.
i don't think i am.
okay, maybe i am.

but when you see what i see and when you hear what i hear.
it wont be judgement.
it will be truth and observations.

and if i go about doing this in silence.
i wouldn't know how to do it.
i'll be so damn shit assed lost like how i am now.
even more lost than i am now i guess.


so the book was supposed to be the final page of this chapter.
and i was supposed to put a picture inside.
but somehow.
i have no idea how to print pictures from computers.
can someone help me please?
i guess i really need it.
considering that i dont have mr fix-it here.
knowing that he's sleeping like a pig after a free dinner session at sakae sushi (park mall)
with who?
not that i really bother.
so long as i'm not the one paying for it.
the hole in my pocket is still mending the last time we went to eat.

as i was saying.
i just hope that i could have said what i needed to say in the book.
and i dont want to offend anyone.
but since i know you well enough.
i'm sure you dont want me to tear any pages out.
its heartfelt.
its me in everything i could have said right now.
cause it got me emotional.
and i clearly didn't need that.
but its a stepping stone.
step by step away from you.
and thats what i need.
closure.
and i dont think i'll ever get that with every single thing i hide from you.
so its a confession of sorts.
and whatever happens after that.
i guess i'll just have to accept it.

i guess you're not everything i needed anyway.

but just tell them the fairytale gone bad.

book is almost done.

and then i can return it.

and then it will be out of my system.

its a good thing.

i hope.

SPIDER-MAN 3 = BORING= WASTE OF MONEY= WASTE OF TIME= EMO NESSA.

stalkers much?

i'm so freaked out right not that its not even funny.
i think she'll be the reason why i quit cbtl.
i swear.


chem is killing me.
it is.

ITS UNDER CONSTRUCTION.

the blogskin i mean.
until i can find one that i'll fall in love in.

the shoe i wanted to buy.

gone.

all gone.

do you realise how depressing this is?


heart dont fail me know.
courage dont desert me.
dont look back now that were here.

milo spilled on my keyboard.

i think its going to be sticky and full of ants.

god save my soul.

its all for us.


no one should know.
how i'm fading.
and how i'm drifting from everything i know.

urgh.
i hate this.

i guess i should thank toufu for giving me two additional post amongst his busy schedule.

he rocks socks.

irritating. this is getting a bit troublesome.
i am toufu.

i finished faster than you!
you have bullet proof skin. i am not going to say how great you are. cos u not that great after all. i am greater.

i simply don't understand the ART of blogging. maybe i don't like to do it. but i enjoy reading it.


erm. ya. like that. think so. ends like this. bye

i need sleep.
and to drop dead and die.
now would be a good time.

i hurt my knee.
i got water in my lungs.

see how training totally agrees with me.

BY YOUR SIDE.

TOUFU MAKES ME LAUGH.

he's the only one who can make me smile on a day like this.
which is why i love him.

ROCK ON FRIEND!

UPSIDE OF THE WEEK!

i got my purple polka dot bra!
at $10!

EMPATHY SUCKS SHIT!

its not an excuse.
no it isn't.

but i really do hate you at the moment.
i really do.
i hate it when you pretend that everyone thinks about you.
when you think you're all so important.
i hate it when you make the people i care about cry.
when you make the people i love cry.
when you leave them helpless and there is nothing i can do to help them.
and it makes me helpless in return.

i hate it when you're not true.
but you pretend you are.
and your feelings arent even real in the first place.
when you use that act of yours to get what you want.
you just want what others want.
and you get it.
and you throw it away.
leaving those who needed it empty and broken hearted.


gosh.
i hate you.
really.

forgive me.

emo moment.

no words can describe how much i hate you right now.

if you take away this one thing from me.
i swear.
you'll die.

TRUE

you're like the complete replica of the devil.
you deceive.
you lie and to cheat for the attention.
and i hope you're happy with the results.
cause its all going to be your own doing.
these crocodile tears are going to get you no where.
and its going to make me hate you even more.

i'm taking count of every heart you break.
cause what goes around comes around.

and i'm not going to make it easy for you.

RIGHT

only pushed away off to fight you.

i will find a way without you.

but i know that without you.
its something that i could never do.

HIT RESTART.

i wanna be able to make time fly.

to see what the future is and try to do my best to get ready for it.

lord knows i need it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMAZING!
see?
its in green!
well.
shit happened in the past.
good stuff in the future alright?
yeah.
i didnt buy you a present.
cause i dont know what you want.
yeah.
have a good day.
yupp.


weekend was a mess.
but i rather not talk about it.
just hoping that it will pass by.
and time heals all wounds.
right?


my teacher is half an hour late.
and now she is here.


i guess its time to be dependent on other people now.
i guess i can't feel uncomfortable with many many people around me.
its like i'm claustrophobic.
something like that.
and learn to trust as well.
its a goos start.

mondays and wednesdays are for life saving.
tuesdays and thursday for rock climbing.
fridays free.
which is most likely for work.
saturdays for church.
sundays for work yet again.

ain't life great?
oh wait.
i just realised that i dont have much of a life.

i'm going to die

life saving and rock climbing.

i'm goig to be one fit chick.

i just lost 50 bucks
for a fucking fine.

i'm so not in a good mood now.

you say that i mean so much to you.
and yet you dont love me.
you know what?
you just lost me.

you're happy now?

you of all people shouldn't give me such stupid things to think about.

you of all people should know where you stand.
and what i'm willing to give up for you.

you know.

so why put me in a spot that i can't seem to get out of?

why make the urges come?
why make me crave?

so just let me know if i'm still needed.
if you still want me by your side.

cause you know i'm more than willing to do that.


just for you.

if you're asking me to make a choice.
i know i can't.

you ask me to follow my heart.
how much of a heart do i have left?

and what makes you so sure that i can go through all this at this point of time?


i trusted and i broke.
what makes it better, i don't know.